Unusual Habit of the Monkey on the Avocado Tree.
Before I begin I have to confess that the heading has nothing to do with the text to follow. I just put it because I liked it. You can generate and put your own heading to it. What I would like to share with you is, the results of my successful experiments, which I have been secretly carrying out in the underground bunkers, long abandoned by Hiter and later occupied and abandoned by a maniac, who used to love pulling his nose hair. One thing I can assure you is after reading the results of the experiment you will definitely feel better and more cheerful.The Experiment was specially designed by me and is actually a series of 3 experiments.The first one was called "Nosled" and is actually my name spelt backwards. It consists of Mixing one part of Plutonium laced nitric acid, with one cup of tea (and once I even mixed coffee, by mistake.) and boiling it with Picric acid. The second one called "Sixela" is my second name spelt in reverse. Consists of brewing a hippopotamus soup, using sunlight, a spoon of salt and amalgamated Cyanide. The third one is nameless and consists of placing some froth of cappuccino coffee, over a slice of ham and trying to guess, weather the cappuccino froth tastes like ham or the ham tastes like cappuccino froth. These experiments were conducted in strictly controlled environment and gave the following impressive results.
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. (The result was actually 15.4 here. Since there cant be 0.4 person, and since I like whole numbers , this is a approximate on the lower side)
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. (This came from the hippopotamus experiment)
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. (The value of this is directly proportional to the number of dogs you own)
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. (This was proved when I accidentally used coffee instead of tea in the Nosled experiment.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.(This was proved when I was awaiting for the plutonium to make the plutonium laced nitric acid.)
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. A Minute they say it takes to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Disclaimer: They say 79% of the statistics are false (which itself is a statistic). The above figures are 100% true, since they are not statistics, but results of a experiment conducted under ISO 14000 standards.(Ok pal… now I guess that the experiment is done, time to do the paper work)
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Wierd Day
Dear Carbon based bipedal humanoids,
Weird things happen in life, and weirder things also happen in life. This incident happened to me a few days back and I would like to share it with you. I was on my way to my company’s office, situated on the 85th floor, of a dilapidated new building.
Now there were three ways, in which I could reach my office on the 85th floor. Use the stairs, which I though will be little too harsh on my legs, the second alternative was to climb the building using the sewage pipe, which comes from the toilet of my office all the way down from the 85th floor or Use the elevator. Since I had eliminated the first alternative, I was left with two choices, for which I could have very well used a toss to decide. But I decide to make a random choice and decided to use the elevator, which at that time seemed to a perfectly logical choice. Because had I used the sewage pipe to climb the building, then once I had reached the 85th floor of the building I would have to enter the office through the toilet and if by sheer coincidence if someone were to be using the toilet, then I would have to climb all the way down, wait for a while and climb back again and hope he or she had finished doing whatever he or she was doing. So now as I told you before elevator was the only choice left and I decided to take it.
I entered the elevator and pressed no 85 on the neatly arranged numerical panel and waited. Guess what happened? Well nothing, which is what happened. Well to be a little precise, nothing happened. I decide to press the keys again and that’s what I did and guess what happened? Nothing, the same result, nothing happened. My second action was not a very logical step, but a sensible one I guess. As I was wondering what to do next, I heard a voice, it said “Hello Delson “ I looked around, wondering where the voice came from. I replied back saying, “ Hello, to whomsoever it may concern.” The Voice repeated, “this is the elevator speaking!” I was a little taken aback. I had heard of a speaking bicycle and a speaking crow, but never a speaking elevator! It then continued, “ What can I do for you?” So I asked, “ what can you do for me?” The elevator replied, “ I can take you up or take you down.” So I replied back “ Ok, take me up” the elevator said “or down”. I said “at the moment you take me up, you can take me down later” The elevator replied “ Think again, Ill tell you of all the possibilities you can enjoy if you decide to go down.” I was a little irritated as you are right now, reading this entire inconsequential conversation-taking place between the elevator and me, but I must continue. I replied back to the elevator “ Look Mister…” the elevator interrupted me “.. miss”. I said “what?” The elevator replied back, “ I am not mister I am miss”. I said “ ok miss, I am not interested in your possibilities, please take me up to the 85th floor, that is what I am interested in.” The elevator replied back, “well, see to be truthful with you, I cannot take you to the 85th floor.” “Why?” I enquired. The elevator replied, “ Because then I’ll have to pass through the 42nd floor.” Well what’s wrong, with 42nd floor? ” I asked. “Don’t you know about 42, the elevator replied back in a surprised tone?” I said “ No”. “Don’t you know about deep thought she asked?” To which I again said “ No and what’s happened to 42?” I asked. The elevator then started with its long story “ See, far far away, in the deep uncharted space of the universe, long long time ago, a race of super intelligent creatures, decided to build a computer. The computer could calculate in one-second what all the earth’s computers, put together, will take one million years to do. The computer named deep thought was built to calculate once and for all the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’. The computer worked for seven and a half million years, during which the, super intelligent creatures anxiously waited for the answer and few of them mostly philosophers protested. Because they thought they would have no work to do once the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’ was answered. After a wait of seven and a half million years, the computer finally had the answer for the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’ the creatures eagerly awaited the answer, and the computer announced it “ The answer for the question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything is Forty two.” The creatures that had waited for seven and a half million years for the answer were shocked by the “ Forty two”.” So the elevator continued, “ forty two is the ultimate answer of life and hence I can’t pass that floor.” In one more last ditch attempt to persuade the elevator I asked, “ Okay, since you cant go up to the 85th floor can you go there sideways?” The elevator after a brief thought said “ Looks like I’ll have to finally tell you the truth.” “What truth I asked?” The elevator replied “ See, you by asking me to go sideways, have put me in a catch-22 situation, I have to tell you the truth now. I cannot go to the 85th floor because I am afraid of heights!” “What kind of elevator is afraid of heights?” I asked. “See the company that built me, programmed me to get scared of heights from this day onwards, so that the building will have to be fixed with a new elevator. So I am just following my program,” said the elevator. Well, I had no reply for this unusual program, but just kept pondering over the meaning of my existence here. I replied the elevator “ So guess then I’ll have to go to the 85th floor by the sewage line?” The elevator replied back “ No you can use the second option” “ The stairs!” I shot back. “ No, I mean the third option, you can use the next door lift.” Replied back the elevator. “You mean the next elevator?” I said. “ Well its not a elevator, it’s a lift” the elevator replied back. I said, “ So it’s the same thing I guess.” “ No, I was built in the U.S. so I am the elevator, that was built in U.K. so it has to be the lift” It replied. “ Okay” I said, overburdened with another useless piece of information. I stepped out of the elevator and as I was just about to move away, I remembered something and asked the elevator “So is that lift a Mister or a Miss?” “Mrs.” It replied back. “ Okay “ I said “ But it goes only up to the 84th floor, I want to go to the 85th floor.” The elevator replied back “ Well you can do three things then, either persuade Mrs. Lift to take you to the 85th floor or go to the 84th floor and take the stairs or the sewage pipe from there.” The second option I felt was a good idea, because I never like the idea of sewage pipe from the beginning.” I thanked the elevator and stepped into Mrs. Lift. Mrs. Lift too had a keyboard panel similar to the elevator. I lifted my hand and pressed 84, waited and guess what happened. “ Nothing.”
Weird things happen in life, and weirder things also happen in life. This incident happened to me a few days back and I would like to share it with you. I was on my way to my company’s office, situated on the 85th floor, of a dilapidated new building.
Now there were three ways, in which I could reach my office on the 85th floor. Use the stairs, which I though will be little too harsh on my legs, the second alternative was to climb the building using the sewage pipe, which comes from the toilet of my office all the way down from the 85th floor or Use the elevator. Since I had eliminated the first alternative, I was left with two choices, for which I could have very well used a toss to decide. But I decide to make a random choice and decided to use the elevator, which at that time seemed to a perfectly logical choice. Because had I used the sewage pipe to climb the building, then once I had reached the 85th floor of the building I would have to enter the office through the toilet and if by sheer coincidence if someone were to be using the toilet, then I would have to climb all the way down, wait for a while and climb back again and hope he or she had finished doing whatever he or she was doing. So now as I told you before elevator was the only choice left and I decided to take it.
I entered the elevator and pressed no 85 on the neatly arranged numerical panel and waited. Guess what happened? Well nothing, which is what happened. Well to be a little precise, nothing happened. I decide to press the keys again and that’s what I did and guess what happened? Nothing, the same result, nothing happened. My second action was not a very logical step, but a sensible one I guess. As I was wondering what to do next, I heard a voice, it said “Hello Delson “ I looked around, wondering where the voice came from. I replied back saying, “ Hello, to whomsoever it may concern.” The Voice repeated, “this is the elevator speaking!” I was a little taken aback. I had heard of a speaking bicycle and a speaking crow, but never a speaking elevator! It then continued, “ What can I do for you?” So I asked, “ what can you do for me?” The elevator replied, “ I can take you up or take you down.” So I replied back “ Ok, take me up” the elevator said “or down”. I said “at the moment you take me up, you can take me down later” The elevator replied “ Think again, Ill tell you of all the possibilities you can enjoy if you decide to go down.” I was a little irritated as you are right now, reading this entire inconsequential conversation-taking place between the elevator and me, but I must continue. I replied back to the elevator “ Look Mister…” the elevator interrupted me “.. miss”. I said “what?” The elevator replied back, “ I am not mister I am miss”. I said “ ok miss, I am not interested in your possibilities, please take me up to the 85th floor, that is what I am interested in.” The elevator replied back, “well, see to be truthful with you, I cannot take you to the 85th floor.” “Why?” I enquired. The elevator replied, “ Because then I’ll have to pass through the 42nd floor.” Well what’s wrong, with 42nd floor? ” I asked. “Don’t you know about 42, the elevator replied back in a surprised tone?” I said “ No”. “Don’t you know about deep thought she asked?” To which I again said “ No and what’s happened to 42?” I asked. The elevator then started with its long story “ See, far far away, in the deep uncharted space of the universe, long long time ago, a race of super intelligent creatures, decided to build a computer. The computer could calculate in one-second what all the earth’s computers, put together, will take one million years to do. The computer named deep thought was built to calculate once and for all the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’. The computer worked for seven and a half million years, during which the, super intelligent creatures anxiously waited for the answer and few of them mostly philosophers protested. Because they thought they would have no work to do once the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’ was answered. After a wait of seven and a half million years, the computer finally had the answer for the ‘question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything’ the creatures eagerly awaited the answer, and the computer announced it “ The answer for the question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything is Forty two.” The creatures that had waited for seven and a half million years for the answer were shocked by the “ Forty two”.” So the elevator continued, “ forty two is the ultimate answer of life and hence I can’t pass that floor.” In one more last ditch attempt to persuade the elevator I asked, “ Okay, since you cant go up to the 85th floor can you go there sideways?” The elevator after a brief thought said “ Looks like I’ll have to finally tell you the truth.” “What truth I asked?” The elevator replied “ See, you by asking me to go sideways, have put me in a catch-22 situation, I have to tell you the truth now. I cannot go to the 85th floor because I am afraid of heights!” “What kind of elevator is afraid of heights?” I asked. “See the company that built me, programmed me to get scared of heights from this day onwards, so that the building will have to be fixed with a new elevator. So I am just following my program,” said the elevator. Well, I had no reply for this unusual program, but just kept pondering over the meaning of my existence here. I replied the elevator “ So guess then I’ll have to go to the 85th floor by the sewage line?” The elevator replied back “ No you can use the second option” “ The stairs!” I shot back. “ No, I mean the third option, you can use the next door lift.” Replied back the elevator. “You mean the next elevator?” I said. “ Well its not a elevator, it’s a lift” the elevator replied back. I said, “ So it’s the same thing I guess.” “ No, I was built in the U.S. so I am the elevator, that was built in U.K. so it has to be the lift” It replied. “ Okay” I said, overburdened with another useless piece of information. I stepped out of the elevator and as I was just about to move away, I remembered something and asked the elevator “So is that lift a Mister or a Miss?” “Mrs.” It replied back. “ Okay “ I said “ But it goes only up to the 84th floor, I want to go to the 85th floor.” The elevator replied back “ Well you can do three things then, either persuade Mrs. Lift to take you to the 85th floor or go to the 84th floor and take the stairs or the sewage pipe from there.” The second option I felt was a good idea, because I never like the idea of sewage pipe from the beginning.” I thanked the elevator and stepped into Mrs. Lift. Mrs. Lift too had a keyboard panel similar to the elevator. I lifted my hand and pressed 84, waited and guess what happened. “ Nothing.”
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